Dear You,
I was writing a blog, already 3 paragraphs, when I made the decision to press shift ctrl home then hit del. Pouf all gone... It was a beautiful writing, but then, just before I made those paragraph disappear, I typed "my sanctuary..."
Like a whirlpool my mind, my memory and my brain took me to a hypno-therapy session I had with a new acquaintance. I was in a house. Semi modern with minimalist furniture. The sofa I laid on was leather cold, yet the pillow where my head rested was comfy. I didn't know what to do. All I was said to do is relax and let my mind wonder. Hey I don't need a therapist to do that... my teachers at school were expert in making me do that... hehehe.
But then he started counting and slowly put little instructions in his deep voice. I concentrated more on his voice than on the hum on the air conditioner up my head. I began to follow him and I found myself in another place. Dark, yet familiar. He asked me few questions then suddenly my brain took over, and I lost my concentration. Man, being hard headed as I am, it is very difficult to take instructions from someone I barely knew. He knew it and smiled very patiently.
Then, new technique: he told me that I had too much burden on my chest and needed to let go. Yeah rite, as if that would be an easy task, but ok, let's give it a try...
He began: Imagine you burden from a scale of 1 to 10 ... 6 I said... ok, make it 7... then 8... then 9... hheeeaavvyyy... then 10... hhhh hhhhfff hhhhffffyy now make it 11.... hhhh hhhh hhhh I must have looked like a weight lifter, cuz let me tell u, my friend, it felt suffocatingly heavy... I couldnt breath... I'm telling u, this is totally true... In my heart I begged for his voice... then as if answering my plea he said: make it 10, make it 9, make it 8, make it 7 aaahhh aaahhh, breath again, make it 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... Thank you God, I'm breathing again. And amazingly, my chest felt much lighter...
I dared to open my eyes and met his concerned eyes. You've got so much burden, little one, he said softly. I nodded, closed my eyes again and followed his instructions with new open mind and heart. My tears were rolling down my cheeks for several occasions. Sometimes sobs grew heavier, sometimes panic attacked revengefully, my body shook hard, anger filled my lungs and throat, but he guided me, he held my hands... he told me where to go... then I found it... my sanctuary...
It was a green meadow looking down a small village. The grass was high, blown softly by a twilight wind. There was an old bench under a willow tree. He told me to sit there and take as much time as I want. To do whatever I want. So I did. I sat there, hugging my legs... letting the wind playing with my hair. I closed my eyes, my nose was smelling the sweet scent of wet grass, all the while I was hearing the soft moan of the wind, like a lover gently whispering in your ear... aaah my sanctuary... this is where you are... I was hungry for that feeling and let it take over my body. I opened my eyes and looked down at the village crowned by the sunset. It was exquisitely beautiful... beyond words... so I recorded it in my brain where it would be ready for me to remember it again.
Are you ready to go, he said. I nodded, got up the bench and followed him again. I looked back at my sanctuary, my peaceful place.
I was later told, when I was awake and conscious, that that place was a piece of my heart where I would find peace. Every time I need comfort, peace and consolation, every time someone hurt my heart and feeling, I should close my eyes and head back there... you will never get lost finding this place, he told me again... my sanctuary... And you know what? I have been there, several times... to find peace and comfort from the soft wind that lingered between the sweet wet grass and between the branches of the ever loyal willow tree. Like a true love awaiting his betrothed, ready to cherish you with gentle words, sweet strokes and soft kisses.
Till next time, Sanctuary...
Ndy
21.12.09
13.12.09
Aaaaaah Relationships
Dear You,
The past few days, I have been haunted with questions around relationships. Different issues, same outcome: I want a relationship that works. Easy to say, but hard to compromise... As it is often said, it takes two to tango.
I couldn't agree more with a couple who happen to be one of my best friends, when they say that relationships should be based on trust and honesty. One has to trust the other as not to question fidelity, and the other should be honest so that the fidelity would not have to be questioned. Vice versa... Is it really that simple?
Now, let's see this from another angle... How can you even begin to trust someone who has not been honest? And how can you be honest to someone you don't trust? Aaaaaaah tricky, isn't it... Indeed it is... But there is always a beginning of a process. If you really want the relationship to last, then trust and honesty should be built right from square one... And little shifts should be mended right away, and sacrifices should be made without questions.
But but but... thousands of buts... but then there it is, they should be on your butt!! sit on it, forget it, it's history... If you want it to work, look ahead! This about now and after...
What if one doesn't love the other as much? Another aaaaaahhh... Think it this way... whatever the reason why the relationship stays, then it is good enough to hold on to. Let's hope that one's love is big enough for two.
Tango, shall we?
Ndy
The past few days, I have been haunted with questions around relationships. Different issues, same outcome: I want a relationship that works. Easy to say, but hard to compromise... As it is often said, it takes two to tango.
I couldn't agree more with a couple who happen to be one of my best friends, when they say that relationships should be based on trust and honesty. One has to trust the other as not to question fidelity, and the other should be honest so that the fidelity would not have to be questioned. Vice versa... Is it really that simple?
Now, let's see this from another angle... How can you even begin to trust someone who has not been honest? And how can you be honest to someone you don't trust? Aaaaaaah tricky, isn't it... Indeed it is... But there is always a beginning of a process. If you really want the relationship to last, then trust and honesty should be built right from square one... And little shifts should be mended right away, and sacrifices should be made without questions.
But but but... thousands of buts... but then there it is, they should be on your butt!! sit on it, forget it, it's history... If you want it to work, look ahead! This about now and after...
What if one doesn't love the other as much? Another aaaaaahhh... Think it this way... whatever the reason why the relationship stays, then it is good enough to hold on to. Let's hope that one's love is big enough for two.
Tango, shall we?
Ndy
10.12.09
Wounded Pride
Dear You,
It's really frightening when you think a friend that is dear to your heart suddenly ignores you... I know, cuz it happened to me... :(
It may sound childish, I know, I don't care... You don't have a license to my heart, so you can't steer it the way you want it :P As I said, it sounds childish... But when I think I am close enough to hope that he would say hi and answer my messages (yes, I left more than one...). And those messages are harmless too!! Another good friend of mine, a God sent really, keeps on cooling my burning head by telling me one thousand and one excuses for the other. At first I said, ok you're right but at the end I said that I'm gonna kick his sorry ass if he ever shows up again in front of my face. And I mean it...
It really has nothing to do with dominating, or pushing, or nagging or to the point where you want extra attention. Geez, God forbid that I would do that and scare a friend away. But cmon, out of politeness, when you see a note on your mailbox, please have the decency to reply... maybe just to say "hey im doing great but Goodness the job that they have assigned me to is taking my life time...". I would have laughed and I'll be pleased. Really it's not difficult to please me... not at all.
I'm a Leo, I have a HUGE ego. So just show me that you still care, that you remember... a late note would be ok... meanwhile I will be in the corner, curled up like a lazy Lion King, licking my wound... Just in case you pass by and ask, I'd just tell you that I'm grooming myself.
ignore, ignored, ignorance, ignorant
ndy
It's really frightening when you think a friend that is dear to your heart suddenly ignores you... I know, cuz it happened to me... :(
It may sound childish, I know, I don't care... You don't have a license to my heart, so you can't steer it the way you want it :P As I said, it sounds childish... But when I think I am close enough to hope that he would say hi and answer my messages (yes, I left more than one...). And those messages are harmless too!! Another good friend of mine, a God sent really, keeps on cooling my burning head by telling me one thousand and one excuses for the other. At first I said, ok you're right but at the end I said that I'm gonna kick his sorry ass if he ever shows up again in front of my face. And I mean it...
It really has nothing to do with dominating, or pushing, or nagging or to the point where you want extra attention. Geez, God forbid that I would do that and scare a friend away. But cmon, out of politeness, when you see a note on your mailbox, please have the decency to reply... maybe just to say "hey im doing great but Goodness the job that they have assigned me to is taking my life time...". I would have laughed and I'll be pleased. Really it's not difficult to please me... not at all.
I'm a Leo, I have a HUGE ego. So just show me that you still care, that you remember... a late note would be ok... meanwhile I will be in the corner, curled up like a lazy Lion King, licking my wound... Just in case you pass by and ask, I'd just tell you that I'm grooming myself.
ignore, ignored, ignorance, ignorant
ndy
9.12.09
F r e e d o m
Dear You,
Well well well, how long has it been since I last wrote... a bit too long I guess, since I intended to write each and every single day of my life... Oh well, better late than never.
You know, my head has been working very very very hard... No, I am not doing budgeting anymore. My dear friend Patricia will have to do that wkwkwkwkwk Good luck, my darling.
No, I'm thinking of quitting my day job and be a full time mom. Well, not full time maybe... I'd be lying to my dear audience. I want to work at home. There I said it... I WANT TO WORK AT HOME!!! and now the whole world will know. Yeah rite, as if everyone in this dying planet is reading my blog. You wiiiiiiisssshhh, giiiirl!!!
As I sat on my carseat, not minding the honks and shouting surrounding the traffic jam along Jakarta road, my mind travels fast on horse power... I don't want to do this anymore... I don't want to be chasing that punch card machine that seems to be laughing at me everytime the long needle almost hits twelve as the small brother awaits at the number 9. Hey, I tried my best ok... Gimme a break, it's a 2 hour drive, and I'm sleepy so shut up!!
Then on my desk, doing what's listed on my job description. Working like a zombie... staring and working on the keyboard like a pro, while my head is saying "sleepy hungry bored... sleepy hungry bored". Gosh, I needed to wait noon so that I can check on my Facebook (See the pattern, the real boss in a company is the CLOCK!!). Then after one hour of "break" here comes another long round of zombying around again until 5 or 6 pm. I walked passed a row of people still head to head with a flat screen. I strode and strolled, avoiding the stares of co-workers as if saying "Going home already??" well I wish I could shout at them "What's the matter, you got problems at home and you're hiding your sorry asses here???"... God, do I really need to do this for the rest of my life?? Can't you see the wrinkles around my eyes... it's pathetic... sobs...
Can't I just stay at home, dressed for success with m favorite t-shirt and shorts. Supervising my toddlers with tea in my hands and my feet on the table?? Can't I freely browse the internet to the places that I want to visit... I just want to look at the clock just to check if it was time to make a decent meal for moi and my kids... Go to a movie if I want to...
I want to make money while still doing all the above... Why do you think they invented internet?? So that you don't have to leave home, people!! I want to be free to work or to play. Freedom, what a word... F r e e d o m... repeat after me... F r e e d o m... Do you feel a bit a freedom just by saying it?? Try again, mean it this time... You will know what I mean...
Nite nite all,
ndy - still wearing her business clothes... can I burn them??
Well well well, how long has it been since I last wrote... a bit too long I guess, since I intended to write each and every single day of my life... Oh well, better late than never.
You know, my head has been working very very very hard... No, I am not doing budgeting anymore. My dear friend Patricia will have to do that wkwkwkwkwk Good luck, my darling.
No, I'm thinking of quitting my day job and be a full time mom. Well, not full time maybe... I'd be lying to my dear audience. I want to work at home. There I said it... I WANT TO WORK AT HOME!!! and now the whole world will know. Yeah rite, as if everyone in this dying planet is reading my blog. You wiiiiiiisssshhh, giiiirl!!!
As I sat on my carseat, not minding the honks and shouting surrounding the traffic jam along Jakarta road, my mind travels fast on horse power... I don't want to do this anymore... I don't want to be chasing that punch card machine that seems to be laughing at me everytime the long needle almost hits twelve as the small brother awaits at the number 9. Hey, I tried my best ok... Gimme a break, it's a 2 hour drive, and I'm sleepy so shut up!!
Then on my desk, doing what's listed on my job description. Working like a zombie... staring and working on the keyboard like a pro, while my head is saying "sleepy hungry bored... sleepy hungry bored". Gosh, I needed to wait noon so that I can check on my Facebook (See the pattern, the real boss in a company is the CLOCK!!). Then after one hour of "break" here comes another long round of zombying around again until 5 or 6 pm. I walked passed a row of people still head to head with a flat screen. I strode and strolled, avoiding the stares of co-workers as if saying "Going home already??" well I wish I could shout at them "What's the matter, you got problems at home and you're hiding your sorry asses here???"... God, do I really need to do this for the rest of my life?? Can't you see the wrinkles around my eyes... it's pathetic... sobs...
Can't I just stay at home, dressed for success with m favorite t-shirt and shorts. Supervising my toddlers with tea in my hands and my feet on the table?? Can't I freely browse the internet to the places that I want to visit... I just want to look at the clock just to check if it was time to make a decent meal for moi and my kids... Go to a movie if I want to...
I want to make money while still doing all the above... Why do you think they invented internet?? So that you don't have to leave home, people!! I want to be free to work or to play. Freedom, what a word... F r e e d o m... repeat after me... F r e e d o m... Do you feel a bit a freedom just by saying it?? Try again, mean it this time... You will know what I mean...
Nite nite all,
ndy - still wearing her business clothes... can I burn them??
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